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The Counterfeit Bridegroom

from Without a Chaperone by Reesha Dyer

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According to the book I found this 16/17th century ballad in, it is based on the true story of Madam Mary Plunket, who disguised herself as one "Captain Charles Fairfax" in order to con a rich family. She is eventually discovered and sent to prison, but for the sake of a better story, I have swapped the original last verse with one of my own.

Translation of the slang:
Shove-Up-and-go-Down = prostitution
Cat= old prostitute
Cully=man who visits prostitutes

lyrics

Come all ye young frolicksome jilts of the town,
Whose trade like yourselves is uncertain,
Since whoring and other professions goes down,
I'll show you new way to good fortune,
Cheer up your hearts, be merry prepare,
Execute a little preamble,
I'll sing you a song if you have not a care,
Shall give you the Thorough-go-nimble.

A lady well skilled in intrigues of the town,
Reduced to a slender condition,
Who liv'd by the trade of shove-up-and-go-down,
Which has so long time been in fashion,
But money's so scarce, and taxes so grand,
Poor Cully has grown quite unable,
To pay half a crown for a bit of his cat,
Or put up his nag in the stable.

Resolving at last some new measures to try,
To raise up her fortune to riches,
She lays her profession and petticoats by, and boldly she puts on the breeches,
Her carriage so pleasing and full of air,
Her talk so delightful and witty,
In masculine habit she now does appear,
As gay as a beau in the city.

She takes noble lodgings sets up for an heir,
And passed for the same, of a certain,
She baits with delusion her amorous snare,
Desiring to bring in some fortune,
A cunning old miser, full of design,
Being blessed with a pretty young daughter,
With whom our young heir did his project begin,
And carefully manage the matter,

The Father being eager to make up the match,
Proposing a very good portion,
Of money and plate which the miserly wretch,
Had got by his cursed extortion,
The lovers themselves, did quickly agree,
The Father was also consenting,
Expecting his daughter a Lady should be,
And he without cause of repenting.

The day was declared to consummate the match,
With joy to the innocent creature,
The miser being greedy and busy to catch,
So hopeful a prize for his daughter,
The Father provided plentiful feast,
In grandeur they were to be wedded,
The portion was paid but the cream of the thing,
Was what they did when they were wedded.

The bridegroom had prudently got a sheep's gut,
Blown up very stiff as a bladder,
But what she did with it or where it was put,
I'll leave you good folks to consider,
The innocent bride, no difference knew,
And seemed to be greatly delighted,
But ladies I'll warrant there's none among you,
That would be so easily cheated.

Now it's at this point that my tale I must end,
My sources can take me no further,
But for all our sakes I suggest we pretend,
The lovers lived happy e'er after,
The bride she did find, her lad was a lass,
And she spoke to her, slow and steady,
I've love for your brains and your smile and your laugh,
Not whether you're John or a Jenny.

credits

from Without a Chaperone, released March 7, 2015

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Reesha Dyer London, UK

Hello! I'm Reesha, I sing songs and accompany them on the guitar with dubious proficiency. Some of them are funny, some of them are depressing. It's a magical mood lottery!

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